Holy Jeez! It’s Been so Long

Well, let’s see. Life is much better right now than it was when I last wrote. We got the apartment, the girls adore the school their in, I’m dealing with my mental disorders. I’m back on my full dose of Effexor, I ended up in the inpatient due to trying to quit it. They bumped it back up and the scary self harm type thoughts stopped.

That’s not to say that every thing is perfect. I just found out I have arthritis, and I’m in the process of getting diagnosed with fibromyalgia possibly. Which yes both of those things suck majorly but if i  can get them under control well then that’s a good thing isn’t it?

The family is doing well and I love them to pieces. I’m still big into looming. I’m learning to knit and crochet. Keep your eyes peeled for yarn posts. Loom reviews (there are some good ones out there). I’ll probably start featuring etsy shops again. I will also of course keep you up to date on me and my family. I’ll go more into depth as to what’s going on with my mental and physical health.

I bcc almost forgot to introduce you to my sweet baby Athena. Here she is.

Struggling to Cope

Sometimes it is so hard to deal with the illnesses I have. I know in an intellectual way that it could be worse. I know that I’m blessed in a lot of ways. But sometimes it’s just so hard to deal with depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, and dermatillomania. For those who don’t know, the last two disorders are compulsive disorders that cause me to pull out my hair literally and pick holes in my skin. I have hidden them for so long. I’ve spoken on this blog before about my trich but not my derm.

I’ve had super well meaning people tell me to quit it. How can I explain this… do you tap your fingers or jiggle your foot or any number of completely innocuous movements when you’re nervous or bored or just because? Do you usually realize that you’re doing it? Do you think about doing it while you’re doing it? No?

That’s how trich and derm are for me. I do it when I’m anxious or sad or bored and I just can’t seem to stop.

If It Keeps Getting Worse that Means it’s Going to Get Better … Right? Right?

Things just keep getting worse and worse and worse and worse. I am stretched about as far as I can be stretched. Most days I go through the day feeling like a scream of anguish is stuck in my chest fighting to be let out. Of course I can’t just go around randomly screaming so it sits there and festers all day long. 

I’m going to be honest I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and every time I feel like I’ve fought my way back from the edge something pushes me back. It feels like everything that can go wrong does, and everything that I don’t even think about is popping up for attention. 

My husband is leaving tonight to go see his father before his dad goes in for a quadruple bypass, so I’ll be home alone with the girls. I did it when he was in the Navy but it feels different this time. Luckily my mom and dad are there to call on or even go stay with if things get to be too much here.

Willow Hill fell through which means we’re once again looking for a place to live. We have a couple of leads hopefully one of them turns out right and we can get away from this situation. This situation that has me ready to scream.

I’m already pulling at the hair that’s grown back so I think I’m going to just buzz my head again…

I’m really hoping that I can come to this blog one day and have the wonderful news that everything is solved. I’ve been praying for peace and a good resolution and I know that sometimes the answer is no but sometimes I wonder if God is listening or if I’ve screwed up enough times that he’s washed his hands of me. 

So blog world pray, send good thoughts, whatever it is that you personally do. I need help.

Feelin’ Kinda Crazy

So. Much. Is. Happening. It’s driving me a little nuts! Seriously. We’re waiting to hear word on a place, we’re trying to pack and organize, I’m trying to lessen my girl’s sadness about leaving their friends in the middle of a school year, trying not to pull on the little hair I have growing back in (failing miserably) trying to put up with two adult female bullies who thinks it’s fun to mess with a family… the husband’s dad is going in for a quadruple bypass within the next couple of weeks, changing up my meds.. 

Plus you know just regular life stuff.Oh and we lost our cat this last week which has sent me into tears at the most unexpected times. I don’t know if it’s from the stress or hormones or if it’s the lowering of my anti depressant dosage but I am crying A LOT more lately. Like several times a day. 

I mean yes sad and crazy things are happening right now but I haven’t cried this much for YEARS like a lot of years. In a way I’m glad to get my emotions out on the other hand it’s freaking out my kids and making my husband feel bad and like he’s not protecting me. 

I just gotta say… all this stuff is making me feel just a little crazy.

Breaking Free of Effexor: Day 16

I’m no longer feeling the cruddy effects of lowering my dosages which is awesome. However there are SO many things going on right now in my life to stress me out that I’m totally freaking. 

There is a person that I was forced into an interaction with today and… I shook for about an hour afterwards… it really upsets me that someone can get to me like that. It really pushes the point home how abnormal I am. 

And now what am I doing you ask? Why I’m listening to the music blasting from next door that is so loud that I can hear it over my children and tv with a fan on… yeah that’s just awesome on my nerves. 

I feel like it has to get better some day. I had a good weekend then the weekdays came along and horribleness happened. I want so badly to be positive but it’s so so hard.

Last night I caught myself picking at my new hair growth yet again which means that I’m probably going to have to do another shave and hope that I’ll be able to let it grow in again soon.

Looooooming Looming Looming Away!

I seriously love looming. Not only do I love looming, I love learning about looming, reading about it, seeing other people’s projects….I love it all. 

I love the feeling of the yarn sliding through my fingers, I love seeing my project growing out the bottom of my loom, I love finishing a project and putting a brand spanking new, unique and comfortable hat on my head. I love just about everything about it. 

No I do love everything about it. I even made myself some custom loom hooks! I’ve just been having a blast. 

I’m running out of yarn! This hobby is turning out to be so soothing to me even when I’m totally tense, it’s the complete repetition of it I think. It’s a soothing repetitive motion, once you really get going you can almost pay half attention to it. I can do it and pay a decent amount of attention to whatever is on Netflix.

I’ve currently got 4 hats going at the same time. It’s kind of nice to switch colors, for some reason it keeps me from getting bored even if it’s the same exact stitch on each one. Right now I’m working on a light pinkish color, a plummy color, a red with sequins and a really pretty fluffy purple and light green and white colored hat. I’m SO excited to get them done, I would say I’m a quarter done on all four. So hopefully tonight I’ll get at least another quarter done on each one and then I get to try a new pattern. I’ll post it when I get started. I KNOW you’re excited to see what it is! 

Looooooming Looming Looming Away!

I seriously love looming. Not only do I love looming, I love learning about looming, reading about it, seeing other people’s projects….I love it all. 

I love the feeling of the yarn sliding through my fingers, I love seeing my project growing out the bottom of my loom, I love finishing a project and putting a brand spanking new, unique and comfortable hat on my head. I love just about everything about it. 

No I do love everything about it. I even made myself some custom loom hooks! I’ve just been having a blast. 

I’m running out of yarn! This hobby is turning out to be so soothing to me even when I’m totally tense, it’s the complete repetition of it I think. It’s a soothing repetitive motion, once you really get going you can almost pay half attention to it. I can do it and pay a decent amount of attention to whatever is on Netflix.

I’ve currently got 4 hats going at the same time. It’s kind of nice to switch colors, for some reason it keeps me from getting bored even if it’s the same exact stitch on each one. Right now I’m working on a light pinkish color, a plummy color, a red with sequins and a really pretty fluffy purple and light green and white colored hat. I’m SO excited to get them done, I would say I’m a quarter done on all four. So hopefully tonight I’ll get at least another quarter done on each one and then I get to try a new pattern. I’ll post it when I get started. I KNOW you’re excited to see what it is! 

Breaking Free of Effexor: Day 7

I’m feeling much better today! Most of my ick is due to life circumstances not medicine withdrawal! So yay for that. 

I’m feeling like maybe I actually CAN do this. Maybe I can get off this medication that I’ve been on for almost 10 years. Maybe I can deal with the effects and still live life. 

I’m feeling like life is a little bit better. Yeah I am still hearing the wench next door’s television set and music all day every day but I feel a little less tense a little less anxious. Plus awesome news. We got a lawyer that we can sort of afford to help us with the issues we’re having with a certain person in the position to mess around with our lives quite a bit. 

So yeah today is okay. It’s decent. 

My Happy Thoughts Wishlist

So when I’m feeling icky I kinda lay there and like to think about the little things that would make me happy and cheer me up. Not the big stuff like world peace or more hair or a new house… the little things. Today I’m writing one out. Usually it’s done in my journal but hey I’m blogging now so today it’s going to be blogged. 

1. An Authentic Knitting Boards All-n-One loom

 

This loom is smaller gauge than the ones I have so of course I gotta have it lol. 

2. A yarn ball winder thingy…. because I’m sick of tangling my yarn and also tired of trying to wind my own balls

3. Lunch out with my girls… we love to go to The Old Country Buffet for “girls day” and we haven’t gotten to do it in quite a while

4. Yarn… yarn and more yarn

5. A massage

6. A really long nap

7. To find a picture of my paternal grandmother. She passed when my dad was young and we cannot find a picture of her anywhere. Her name was Gabrielle Dawson Purcell if anyone out there in interweb land has a pic of her let me know. 

8. To meet my internet land friends in real life. Especially my TK girls. I’ve been with these girls since 2007, we’ve been through births, deaths, divorces, marriages, sickness and health… better and worse…. lol we’ve been through a ton together.

9. A mineral makeup make over. I’m pretty ugly so I need a lot of help with the make up and I’ve always wanted to try the Bare Minerals type stuff!

10. A family reunion, complete with my great grandma!

There ya go… that’s my wishlist for right now. Hopefully I’ll be able to do or have all of them at some point. Right now money is being squished for hopeful moving (ohpleasepleasepleasegod) into a new peaceful home.

Breaking Free of Effexor: Day 3

Okay day two was just horrible… so I skipped blogging. I skipped most things. Thank God the girls had no school because I had no get up and go to get them going out the door to school.

I don’t know how many of you have been on Effexor/Venlafaxine. It’s a great antidepressant. It works well for a lot of people. However coming off of it is HORRIBLE. I’ve done it twice before. Once when I was having my first daughter and once when I couldn’t afford it. 

The first time I tapered off it and the second time I went cold turkey. Either way it’s not fun. At. All. It’s dreadful really. Jitters, the runs, flu like feelings…and the dreaded brain zaps. I have tried so many times to explain it to people. It’s like…. okay say you turn your head and stop moving. You just stop right? Your brains and everything stop at the same time as the rest of your head. Well when coming off this drug it feels like your brain keeps moving for a couple more seconds and rebounds off the inside of your skull. It’s a combo of dizzy and something akin to an electrical shock. 

It’s hard to explain. 

Effexor has a short half life so you generally get to experience it if you even miss a dose or are late taking it. 

So yeah, this is what’s going on…. it sucks but you know what? In the long run it will be better for me.