If It Keeps Getting Worse that Means it’s Going to Get Better … Right? Right?

Things just keep getting worse and worse and worse and worse. I am stretched about as far as I can be stretched. Most days I go through the day feeling like a scream of anguish is stuck in my chest fighting to be let out. Of course I can’t just go around randomly screaming so it sits there and festers all day long. 

I’m going to be honest I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and every time I feel like I’ve fought my way back from the edge something pushes me back. It feels like everything that can go wrong does, and everything that I don’t even think about is popping up for attention. 

My husband is leaving tonight to go see his father before his dad goes in for a quadruple bypass, so I’ll be home alone with the girls. I did it when he was in the Navy but it feels different this time. Luckily my mom and dad are there to call on or even go stay with if things get to be too much here.

Willow Hill fell through which means we’re once again looking for a place to live. We have a couple of leads hopefully one of them turns out right and we can get away from this situation. This situation that has me ready to scream.

I’m already pulling at the hair that’s grown back so I think I’m going to just buzz my head again…

I’m really hoping that I can come to this blog one day and have the wonderful news that everything is solved. I’ve been praying for peace and a good resolution and I know that sometimes the answer is no but sometimes I wonder if God is listening or if I’ve screwed up enough times that he’s washed his hands of me. 

So blog world pray, send good thoughts, whatever it is that you personally do. I need help.

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I Feel Pretty Oh So…..Let’s Face it I Feel Ugly

Over the years of human history, hair has been considered a main point of beauty in a woman. Have this compulsive disorder that causes me to mutilate that part of me that is seen as inherently feminine has proven a huge blow to my ego and sense of self. 

My hair pulling rather than getting better has been getting worse due to … well just the sheer amount of stress in my life. Bullying by adults that should know better, sick in laws, sick children, my bipolar 2 mix them all together and you get a Trickster pulling her hair out at an alarming rate. 

Even my mom who had encouraged me to not shave it and hopefully just disguise it suggested I just shave my head… so I did. 

I thought my girls were asleep but no of course they weren’t and hearing the sound of clippers came to investigate. Bear my youngest walked in gasped and said “what happened to your hair, it’s horrible.” Dizzy my oldest stood there in shock and when Bee my tiny middle child wandered in… well she burst into tears. 

I explained to them that mommy’s hair was coming out so she decided it might be fun to just have no hair for a little bit. Bee seemed hardest hit, wailing that she loooooved my hair. Yeah that made me feel better about the whole issue. 

After jamming a hat on my head and giving lots of hugs (and apple juice) everyone calmed down and went to bed. 

I feel wretched tonight. It shows how much hair means to people. Even if they tell you it doesn’t it’s something that people immediately identify with you. But I told you all I would share good and bad and here is bad. So I’m pouring out my guts right now to you all and hoping that something good might come out of this. 

I’m waiting for a wig and now am finding myself in dire need of hats. I have one. I have one that’s half done on the loom and I’m not in the position to buy more so I’m praying I’m a speedy loomer and get a bunch done quickly. 

But I also know this. Hair isn’t ME. I’M me and I’M awesome no matter what my hair looks like. My girls love me, my husband loves me, my family loves me… that’s what matters right?

The Face of A Trichster – Namely… Me

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This is me… I’ve never claimed to be a great beauty but I can tell you nothing makes a woman feel uglier than missing hair. Well I guess I can’t say that for sure there are some other things that are just as bad if not worse because let’s face it hair DOES grow back thank God. 

But I’m not going to lie, this has been a great blow to my self esteem and pride. I’m getting closer and closer to the point where I want to shave my head and buy some wigs. Yes wigs plural. I want to have fun with it. I’ve found a place on Amazon that’s pretty inexpensive and I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m wearing a wig, so I’m looking at them as hair hats… ew weird mental picture of a sombrero made of hair. Anyway I currently have a hugely receded hair line and a very visable bald spot on the back of my head.

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Why on earth would you post these pictures!?! You may exclaim. 

Here is why. It’s a problem that I’m getting help for. It’s a problem that a lot of people actually have and hide. People are more comfortable saying “hey I’m a drug addict” than saying “hey I pull my hair out.”

That’s sad to me, so here I am laying it out there and telling you that if you pull your hair, you aren’t alone. If you know someone who does, Let them know that THEY aren’t alone.

Trichster Tricks

So I’m learning baldness hiding tips and tricks. Luckily at the moment I still have enough hair in the back that most of the bald spots are pretty well covered, they may peek out now and then but they’re pretty well covered.

The front however is a whole different situation. I’m bald in the front, so I’m learning what to do to cover it. Of course I would rather just have the hair there but, that’s not to be so I’m getting crafty and tricky with it.

I ordered a couple of “fringe” ie bangs, hairpieces from amazon. Now they aren’t the pricey real human hair ones because let’s face it, I can’t afford those and I don’t know if I’m going to like wearing the things. Got a couple of different styles, they were less than $6 each but had good reviews. Apparently ordering stuff like that straight from China or Hong Kong is how you get the good deal. I found it quite hilarious that I could get one for $6 (shipping was free) from China OR I could purchase one from some shop in the states for 3 or 4 times the amount for the exact. same. item. Yeah…. sorry but yeah I’m going with the good deal on this one.

My current project as it’s frickin’ freezing up here is knit headbands. I’ll be posting some pictures tomorrow. Currently I’m doing them on the loom. See I thought the circular loom was only good for one look, nope. There are some super smart, super crafty people out there who have figured out different stitch patterns, how to do cabling etc. So while I am a miserable failure at actual knitting I can knit things. Yeah technology or human ingenuity for the win on this one.

My next project is going to be fabric headbands that will cover the seam between my hair and my fringes. Luckily I am a craft addict and I’m not having to go and get the supplies for these things. Most of them reside in my craft/whatever room. I’m also fortunate that my mom likes to craft so she’s going to help me out with these things and is coming up with new ideas.

So any other tips from or for Trichsters? Anything fun that you’ve tried with your hair to kinda cheer yourself up? Oh and has anyone found anything that de-angrifies your scalp? Mine is reaaallly pissed off.

Hello, I’m Amber and I’m a Trichster

Yeah that sounds WAY cooler than what it actually is. Trichster or Trickster is what people who have Trichotillomania call themselves and each other. What is this Trichotillomania you ask?

Trichotillomania or Trich as it’s often called and which I’ll be calling for the rest of my time talking about it is a compulsive disorder. It’s similar to skin picking, nail biting and other compulsive habits. Trichsters pull out their hair. Usually it’s head hair or facial hair, some do pull out body hair. I personally pull out my  head hair. I’ve always yanked my hair, raked my hands through and pulled some out. It’s something I’ve always done when I’m aggravated. I’ve also always bit my nails, my toenails are nonexistent due to constant picking and my cuticles and the skin around my finger nails is frequently trashed due to picking. So honestly now that I know more about Trich it’s really not a huge surprise that I’ve progressed to to full blown hair pulling.

I also have Bipolar 2 which is a milder form of Bipolar, if my moods aren’t regulated correctly I am prone to extreme anxiety and after a recent massive anxiety inducing series of events Trich reared its ugly head. Which in turn made me have an ugly head. 

I am now missing a large portion of hair on the front of my head and have bald patches scattered around the rest of my scalp. It started in my sleep or that twilight period where you’re almost asleep. I’m not sure which but I do know I woke up with patches of hair missing, then as time progressed I found myself doing it while zoning out watching television or reading. And now? I can’t stop. I don’t even usually realize I’m doing it. I did however promise to be honest about this stuff with you my blog readers so I will admit that at times when my anxiety is at a peak I purposely grab a small section of hair and pullllll on it till it releases from my scalp and it soothes me. 

Sounds sick and weird I know. “Just stop doing it” people would say. Well you know what? I would LOVE to just stop but I can’t. I tell myself to stop, I tell myself I’m not going to do it anymore and hours later or the next day I’m doing it again, whether consciously or not. 

I’ve looked for resources on Trich and there are some out there but there don’t seem to be very many people who talk frankly about their experiences. I can totally understand that. It’s embarrassing as hell to be honest. I mean really embarrassing. It looks bad, it sounds bad and people think it sounds like something a crazy person would do. In reality a large portion of Trichsters are completely normal well adjusted people with no other underlying mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety etc. This is their only issue, and I’m going to guess that it may be even harder for these people to admit what’s going on. 

So there you go. I’m going to try to start keeping track of if I pulled, how much I pulled and when I did it. I’m also going to share what I’m doing to prevent pulling and what methods I’m using to cover up the bald patches. I’m doing this in the hope that I can help someone else.