Struggling to Cope

Sometimes it is so hard to deal with the illnesses I have. I know in an intellectual way that it could be worse. I know that I’m blessed in a lot of ways. But sometimes it’s just so hard to deal with depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, and dermatillomania. For those who don’t know, the last two disorders are compulsive disorders that cause me to pull out my hair literally and pick holes in my skin. I have hidden them for so long. I’ve spoken on this blog before about my trich but not my derm.

I’ve had super well meaning people tell me to quit it. How can I explain this… do you tap your fingers or jiggle your foot or any number of completely innocuous movements when you’re nervous or bored or just because? Do you usually realize that you’re doing it? Do you think about doing it while you’re doing it? No?

That’s how trich and derm are for me. I do it when I’m anxious or sad or bored and I just can’t seem to stop.

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If It Keeps Getting Worse that Means it’s Going to Get Better … Right? Right?

Things just keep getting worse and worse and worse and worse. I am stretched about as far as I can be stretched. Most days I go through the day feeling like a scream of anguish is stuck in my chest fighting to be let out. Of course I can’t just go around randomly screaming so it sits there and festers all day long. 

I’m going to be honest I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff and every time I feel like I’ve fought my way back from the edge something pushes me back. It feels like everything that can go wrong does, and everything that I don’t even think about is popping up for attention. 

My husband is leaving tonight to go see his father before his dad goes in for a quadruple bypass, so I’ll be home alone with the girls. I did it when he was in the Navy but it feels different this time. Luckily my mom and dad are there to call on or even go stay with if things get to be too much here.

Willow Hill fell through which means we’re once again looking for a place to live. We have a couple of leads hopefully one of them turns out right and we can get away from this situation. This situation that has me ready to scream.

I’m already pulling at the hair that’s grown back so I think I’m going to just buzz my head again…

I’m really hoping that I can come to this blog one day and have the wonderful news that everything is solved. I’ve been praying for peace and a good resolution and I know that sometimes the answer is no but sometimes I wonder if God is listening or if I’ve screwed up enough times that he’s washed his hands of me. 

So blog world pray, send good thoughts, whatever it is that you personally do. I need help.

Feelin’ Kinda Crazy

So. Much. Is. Happening. It’s driving me a little nuts! Seriously. We’re waiting to hear word on a place, we’re trying to pack and organize, I’m trying to lessen my girl’s sadness about leaving their friends in the middle of a school year, trying not to pull on the little hair I have growing back in (failing miserably) trying to put up with two adult female bullies who thinks it’s fun to mess with a family… the husband’s dad is going in for a quadruple bypass within the next couple of weeks, changing up my meds.. 

Plus you know just regular life stuff.Oh and we lost our cat this last week which has sent me into tears at the most unexpected times. I don’t know if it’s from the stress or hormones or if it’s the lowering of my anti depressant dosage but I am crying A LOT more lately. Like several times a day. 

I mean yes sad and crazy things are happening right now but I haven’t cried this much for YEARS like a lot of years. In a way I’m glad to get my emotions out on the other hand it’s freaking out my kids and making my husband feel bad and like he’s not protecting me. 

I just gotta say… all this stuff is making me feel just a little crazy.

Breaking Free of Effexor: Day 16

I’m no longer feeling the cruddy effects of lowering my dosages which is awesome. However there are SO many things going on right now in my life to stress me out that I’m totally freaking. 

There is a person that I was forced into an interaction with today and… I shook for about an hour afterwards… it really upsets me that someone can get to me like that. It really pushes the point home how abnormal I am. 

And now what am I doing you ask? Why I’m listening to the music blasting from next door that is so loud that I can hear it over my children and tv with a fan on… yeah that’s just awesome on my nerves. 

I feel like it has to get better some day. I had a good weekend then the weekdays came along and horribleness happened. I want so badly to be positive but it’s so so hard.

Last night I caught myself picking at my new hair growth yet again which means that I’m probably going to have to do another shave and hope that I’ll be able to let it grow in again soon.

Looooooming Looming Looming Away!

I seriously love looming. Not only do I love looming, I love learning about looming, reading about it, seeing other people’s projects….I love it all. 

I love the feeling of the yarn sliding through my fingers, I love seeing my project growing out the bottom of my loom, I love finishing a project and putting a brand spanking new, unique and comfortable hat on my head. I love just about everything about it. 

No I do love everything about it. I even made myself some custom loom hooks! I’ve just been having a blast. 

I’m running out of yarn! This hobby is turning out to be so soothing to me even when I’m totally tense, it’s the complete repetition of it I think. It’s a soothing repetitive motion, once you really get going you can almost pay half attention to it. I can do it and pay a decent amount of attention to whatever is on Netflix.

I’ve currently got 4 hats going at the same time. It’s kind of nice to switch colors, for some reason it keeps me from getting bored even if it’s the same exact stitch on each one. Right now I’m working on a light pinkish color, a plummy color, a red with sequins and a really pretty fluffy purple and light green and white colored hat. I’m SO excited to get them done, I would say I’m a quarter done on all four. So hopefully tonight I’ll get at least another quarter done on each one and then I get to try a new pattern. I’ll post it when I get started. I KNOW you’re excited to see what it is! 

Looooooming Looming Looming Away!

I seriously love looming. Not only do I love looming, I love learning about looming, reading about it, seeing other people’s projects….I love it all. 

I love the feeling of the yarn sliding through my fingers, I love seeing my project growing out the bottom of my loom, I love finishing a project and putting a brand spanking new, unique and comfortable hat on my head. I love just about everything about it. 

No I do love everything about it. I even made myself some custom loom hooks! I’ve just been having a blast. 

I’m running out of yarn! This hobby is turning out to be so soothing to me even when I’m totally tense, it’s the complete repetition of it I think. It’s a soothing repetitive motion, once you really get going you can almost pay half attention to it. I can do it and pay a decent amount of attention to whatever is on Netflix.

I’ve currently got 4 hats going at the same time. It’s kind of nice to switch colors, for some reason it keeps me from getting bored even if it’s the same exact stitch on each one. Right now I’m working on a light pinkish color, a plummy color, a red with sequins and a really pretty fluffy purple and light green and white colored hat. I’m SO excited to get them done, I would say I’m a quarter done on all four. So hopefully tonight I’ll get at least another quarter done on each one and then I get to try a new pattern. I’ll post it when I get started. I KNOW you’re excited to see what it is! 

Saw My New Pdoc

So I have a new Pdoc… well in all reality she’s a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but you know what? She was sweeter, more patient and more explanatory than any actual Psychiatrist I’ve ever seen.

She’s decided we’re taking me off my anti depressant that I’ve been on since I was about 20 and I’m terrified. The one time I went off of it I went through horrible withdrawal side effects. However she knows about these issues and has decided we will be SLOOOOOWLY tapering me off and when I say slowly I mean we’ll be taking more than 6 months to do it most likely. 

Apparently an anti depressant is counter indicated by my Bipolar 2 and she just cannot understand WHY my other psychiatrist would not only have me on and anti depressant but have me on such a very high dosage. The starting dosage for Effexor/Venlafaxine is 37.5 mg… I’m on 300 mg and have been for a really long time. She said it’s a stimulant, it’s probably what’s causing my breakthrough anxiety, it’s causing me to have high blood pressure and it has GOT to go. 

Sadly we’re also changing my mood stabilizer the olanzapine is just not for me. When I stepped onto the scale in her office my jaw dropped. In the ONE month that I’ve been on it I gained FIFTEEN pounds yeah, not okay. Apparently once the switch is made my weight will drop fairly rapidly, and quitting the Effexor should help too.

I would have to say however that the best part of the whole visit was that I met an older gentleman in the waiting room who also has Bipolar…OMG we were chatting and he was saying something about being the king of useless trivia and how the information gathering and random factoid knowingness that I’ve had my entire life is NORMAL for us. That it’s one of OUR (ie bipolar people’s) things. He said we are 4% of the population. That really struck me, I mean jeez I’m a bipolar person and I don’t even know all that much about us. The public really doesn’t know jack diddly squat, they know the few derogatory things that they’ve seen on television or movies.

He told me about a bipolar support group that meets in my area and I think I just may go. At this point in my life I have online friends only. No real life people. Now don’t get me wrong it’s great to have the people I have online, but I need to stop being so isolated. So I’m going to check it out. He said there are also groups for spouses of bipolar people and I’m wondering if something like this may help out my honey. 

We didn’t talk too much about my trich, who knows maybe balancing my meds will help with the compulsions… she’s not a talk therapist, she’s a med management doctor so I may have to find a counselor to help me with my compulsions. In the mean time I’m going bald and looming to keep my fingers busy!