Feelin’ Kinda Crazy

So. Much. Is. Happening. It’s driving me a little nuts! Seriously. We’re waiting to hear word on a place, we’re trying to pack and organize, I’m trying to lessen my girl’s sadness about leaving their friends in the middle of a school year, trying not to pull on the little hair I have growing back in (failing miserably) trying to put up with two adult female bullies who thinks it’s fun to mess with a family… the husband’s dad is going in for a quadruple bypass within the next couple of weeks, changing up my meds.. 

Plus you know just regular life stuff.Oh and we lost our cat this last week which has sent me into tears at the most unexpected times. I don’t know if it’s from the stress or hormones or if it’s the lowering of my anti depressant dosage but I am crying A LOT more lately. Like several times a day. 

I mean yes sad and crazy things are happening right now but I haven’t cried this much for YEARS like a lot of years. In a way I’m glad to get my emotions out on the other hand it’s freaking out my kids and making my husband feel bad and like he’s not protecting me. 

I just gotta say… all this stuff is making me feel just a little crazy.

Hello, I’m Amber and I’m a Trichster

Yeah that sounds WAY cooler than what it actually is. Trichster or Trickster is what people who have Trichotillomania call themselves and each other. What is this Trichotillomania you ask?

Trichotillomania or Trich as it’s often called and which I’ll be calling for the rest of my time talking about it is a compulsive disorder. It’s similar to skin picking, nail biting and other compulsive habits. Trichsters pull out their hair. Usually it’s head hair or facial hair, some do pull out body hair. I personally pull out my  head hair. I’ve always yanked my hair, raked my hands through and pulled some out. It’s something I’ve always done when I’m aggravated. I’ve also always bit my nails, my toenails are nonexistent due to constant picking and my cuticles and the skin around my finger nails is frequently trashed due to picking. So honestly now that I know more about Trich it’s really not a huge surprise that I’ve progressed to to full blown hair pulling.

I also have Bipolar 2 which is a milder form of Bipolar, if my moods aren’t regulated correctly I am prone to extreme anxiety and after a recent massive anxiety inducing series of events Trich reared its ugly head. Which in turn made me have an ugly head. 

I am now missing a large portion of hair on the front of my head and have bald patches scattered around the rest of my scalp. It started in my sleep or that twilight period where you’re almost asleep. I’m not sure which but I do know I woke up with patches of hair missing, then as time progressed I found myself doing it while zoning out watching television or reading. And now? I can’t stop. I don’t even usually realize I’m doing it. I did however promise to be honest about this stuff with you my blog readers so I will admit that at times when my anxiety is at a peak I purposely grab a small section of hair and pullllll on it till it releases from my scalp and it soothes me. 

Sounds sick and weird I know. “Just stop doing it” people would say. Well you know what? I would LOVE to just stop but I can’t. I tell myself to stop, I tell myself I’m not going to do it anymore and hours later or the next day I’m doing it again, whether consciously or not. 

I’ve looked for resources on Trich and there are some out there but there don’t seem to be very many people who talk frankly about their experiences. I can totally understand that. It’s embarrassing as hell to be honest. I mean really embarrassing. It looks bad, it sounds bad and people think it sounds like something a crazy person would do. In reality a large portion of Trichsters are completely normal well adjusted people with no other underlying mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety etc. This is their only issue, and I’m going to guess that it may be even harder for these people to admit what’s going on. 

So there you go. I’m going to try to start keeping track of if I pulled, how much I pulled and when I did it. I’m also going to share what I’m doing to prevent pulling and what methods I’m using to cover up the bald patches. I’m doing this in the hope that I can help someone else.