I’m feeling much better today! Most of my ick is due to life circumstances not medicine withdrawal! So yay for that.
I’m feeling like maybe I actually CAN do this. Maybe I can get off this medication that I’ve been on for almost 10 years. Maybe I can deal with the effects and still live life.
I’m feeling like life is a little bit better. Yeah I am still hearing the wench next door’s television set and music all day every day but I feel a little less tense a little less anxious. Plus awesome news. We got a lawyer that we can sort of afford to help us with the issues we’re having with a certain person in the position to mess around with our lives quite a bit.
So when I’m feeling icky I kinda lay there and like to think about the little things that would make me happy and cheer me up. Not the big stuff like world peace or more hair or a new house… the little things. Today I’m writing one out. Usually it’s done in my journal but hey I’m blogging now so today it’s going to be blogged.
1. An Authentic Knitting Boards All-n-One loom
This loom is smaller gauge than the ones I have so of course I gotta have it lol.
2. A yarn ball winder thingy…. because I’m sick of tangling my yarn and also tired of trying to wind my own balls
3. Lunch out with my girls… we love to go to The Old Country Buffet for “girls day” and we haven’t gotten to do it in quite a while
4. Yarn… yarn and more yarn
5. A massage
6. A really long nap
7. To find a picture of my paternal grandmother. She passed when my dad was young and we cannot find a picture of her anywhere. Her name was Gabrielle Dawson Purcell if anyone out there in interweb land has a pic of her let me know.
8. To meet my internet land friends in real life. Especially my TK girls. I’ve been with these girls since 2007, we’ve been through births, deaths, divorces, marriages, sickness and health… better and worse…. lol we’ve been through a ton together.
9. A mineral makeup make over. I’m pretty ugly so I need a lot of help with the make up and I’ve always wanted to try the Bare Minerals type stuff!
10. A family reunion, complete with my great grandma!
There ya go… that’s my wishlist for right now. Hopefully I’ll be able to do or have all of them at some point. Right now money is being squished for hopeful moving (ohpleasepleasepleasegod) into a new peaceful home.
Okay day two was just horrible… so I skipped blogging. I skipped most things. Thank God the girls had no school because I had no get up and go to get them going out the door to school.
I don’t know how many of you have been on Effexor/Venlafaxine. It’s a great antidepressant. It works well for a lot of people. However coming off of it is HORRIBLE. I’ve done it twice before. Once when I was having my first daughter and once when I couldn’t afford it.
The first time I tapered off it and the second time I went cold turkey. Either way it’s not fun. At. All. It’s dreadful really. Jitters, the runs, flu like feelings…and the dreaded brain zaps. I have tried so many times to explain it to people. It’s like…. okay say you turn your head and stop moving. You just stop right? Your brains and everything stop at the same time as the rest of your head. Well when coming off this drug it feels like your brain keeps moving for a couple more seconds and rebounds off the inside of your skull. It’s a combo of dizzy and something akin to an electrical shock.
It’s hard to explain.
Effexor has a short half life so you generally get to experience it if you even miss a dose or are late taking it.
So yeah, this is what’s going on…. it sucks but you know what? In the long run it will be better for me.
Ahem…..BLEH yeah that’s how I feel. Like absolute crap. Better still it was my husband and daughter’s birthday today and I way let them down. I feel sick. I know it will get better but seriously I feel like I have the flu. Ick.
So I have a new Pdoc… well in all reality she’s a psychiatric nurse practitioner, but you know what? She was sweeter, more patient and more explanatory than any actual Psychiatrist I’ve ever seen.
She’s decided we’re taking me off my anti depressant that I’ve been on since I was about 20 and I’m terrified. The one time I went off of it I went through horrible withdrawal side effects. However she knows about these issues and has decided we will be SLOOOOOWLY tapering me off and when I say slowly I mean we’ll be taking more than 6 months to do it most likely.
Apparently an anti depressant is counter indicated by my Bipolar 2 and she just cannot understand WHY my other psychiatrist would not only have me on and anti depressant but have me on such a very high dosage. The starting dosage for Effexor/Venlafaxine is 37.5 mg… I’m on 300 mg and have been for a really long time. She said it’s a stimulant, it’s probably what’s causing my breakthrough anxiety, it’s causing me to have high blood pressure and it has GOT to go.
Sadly we’re also changing my mood stabilizer the olanzapine is just not for me. When I stepped onto the scale in her office my jaw dropped. In the ONE month that I’ve been on it I gained FIFTEEN pounds yeah, not okay. Apparently once the switch is made my weight will drop fairly rapidly, and quitting the Effexor should help too.
I would have to say however that the best part of the whole visit was that I met an older gentleman in the waiting room who also has Bipolar…OMG we were chatting and he was saying something about being the king of useless trivia and how the information gathering and random factoid knowingness that I’ve had my entire life is NORMAL for us. That it’s one of OUR (ie bipolar people’s) things. He said we are 4% of the population. That really struck me, I mean jeez I’m a bipolar person and I don’t even know all that much about us. The public really doesn’t know jack diddly squat, they know the few derogatory things that they’ve seen on television or movies.
He told me about a bipolar support group that meets in my area and I think I just may go. At this point in my life I have online friends only. No real life people. Now don’t get me wrong it’s great to have the people I have online, but I need to stop being so isolated. So I’m going to check it out. He said there are also groups for spouses of bipolar people and I’m wondering if something like this may help out my honey.
We didn’t talk too much about my trich, who knows maybe balancing my meds will help with the compulsions… she’s not a talk therapist, she’s a med management doctor so I may have to find a counselor to help me with my compulsions. In the mean time I’m going bald and looming to keep my fingers busy!
So I’ve become a bit obsessive about looming lately. But hey that’s part of who I am and it’s better than obsession over the bullying I’m dealing with or the problems we’re going through! It’s much better than pulling out my hair.
Looming is really helping me right now. Creating something with all my nervous energy is turning out to be so good for me. So of course now that I’m interesting in looming I’m interesting in all the bazillion yarns out there. Sooo searching for something different I found Yarnia. This shop is in Portland Oregon which is kinda in my neck of the woods which made me take a second look. When I realized what this shop does I was intrigued.
Yarnia, creates a custom yarn that YOU build. You go to their yarn creator and choose from all the strands that they have. There is wool, chenille, cotton, lurex… there are seriously a ton of choices. You drag your choices down to the slots that they provide and the meter tells you what weight of yarn you are building. It also lets you know as you go how much it’s going to cost.
Now this is not CHEAP yarn. But I didn’t expect it to be. It’s made from quality products and it’s exactly what YOU want it to be. You get to choose how much you want, what colors, materials… you choose everything about your specialty yarn.
Check out their site. Try the yarn builder. Maybe place an order. Not only are you getting a one of a kind product but you’re supporting a small business which I feel is very, very important as you can tell from my Etsy features.
If you’re in Oregon, stop by and check them out. Tell them that you heard about them on my blog!
So yesterday after shaving my head I felt ugly and was very aware of my desperate need of hats. So I knit one, It was fun but you can only knit so much when you have three kidlets, a husband and stuff to do.
I’m a member of a Facebook group called GoodKnitKisses it’s a great little community and I’ve had fun talking with people who understand my obsession with looms, yarn, knitting and the search for more projects.
I posted my blog post there because well, I like to share my blog and I had mentioned my trich before… I was a little apprehensive about posting it but the response I got was so happy making.
Three of the lovely ladies offered to send me hats! Seriously these are people that don’t know me and they, out of the goodness of their hearts offered to send me some of their lovely handmade hats.
There were also some wonderful suggestions on ways to embrace my baldness and some sweet encouragements.
This came in the middle of more than a month of pure horribleness. It’s like a ray of sunshine that has totally brightened my outlook on the human race. There are good, sweet, giving people out there. Yes there are bullies and people who mess with you but there are also people who just want to do good things.
So to Christie, Danya, Julie and the rest… thank you so much for doing such a sweet thing for a complete stranger. I don’t have the words to explain to you exactly how much it really means to me right now.