Over the years of human history, hair has been considered a main point of beauty in a woman. Have this compulsive disorder that causes me to mutilate that part of me that is seen as inherently feminine has proven a huge blow to my ego and sense of self.
My hair pulling rather than getting better has been getting worse due to … well just the sheer amount of stress in my life. Bullying by adults that should know better, sick in laws, sick children, my bipolar 2 mix them all together and you get a Trickster pulling her hair out at an alarming rate.
Even my mom who had encouraged me to not shave it and hopefully just disguise it suggested I just shave my head… so I did.
I thought my girls were asleep but no of course they weren’t and hearing the sound of clippers came to investigate. Bear my youngest walked in gasped and said “what happened to your hair, it’s horrible.” Dizzy my oldest stood there in shock and when Bee my tiny middle child wandered in… well she burst into tears.
I explained to them that mommy’s hair was coming out so she decided it might be fun to just have no hair for a little bit. Bee seemed hardest hit, wailing that she loooooved my hair. Yeah that made me feel better about the whole issue.
After jamming a hat on my head and giving lots of hugs (and apple juice) everyone calmed down and went to bed.
I feel wretched tonight. It shows how much hair means to people. Even if they tell you it doesn’t it’s something that people immediately identify with you. But I told you all I would share good and bad and here is bad. So I’m pouring out my guts right now to you all and hoping that something good might come out of this.
I’m waiting for a wig and now am finding myself in dire need of hats. I have one. I have one that’s half done on the loom and I’m not in the position to buy more so I’m praying I’m a speedy loomer and get a bunch done quickly.
But I also know this. Hair isn’t ME. I’M me and I’M awesome no matter what my hair looks like. My girls love me, my husband loves me, my family loves me… that’s what matters right?